It is not a secret that society punishes individualism and non-conformity; it punishes them severely. Society goes about it in a passive aggressive way: by simply excluding the odd one out.
When it’s me, and it’s about my pink hair, or my tattoos, or my loud feminist views, I get it. I grit my teeth. I move on.
But when it’s about my kid, that’s where I draw the line.
See, it’s not easy occupying public space, when you have a toddler most articles describe as “strong-willed”. To put it in perspective, if we were in America, he would’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed medications accordingly before you can say cheesy dibbles. In Europe, they’re not as fast as that with diagnosing. But are they fast with letting you know exactly how they feel about the both of you. Out of sight, please.
Getting out of the house with a toddler can be challenging. Getting around with them even more so. It goes without saying that most parents are doing what they can, while running on low energy, constant exhaustion and stress to equal amounts unheard of before parenthood hit. Having people constantly criticize you and your kid – that’s where it gets ugly.
We go to the playground, just as any other family with kids, on a Saturday morning. My kid is the one who climbs to the top of everything in a blink, and I let him, because I know just how competent he is, because I made a point long ago of not trying to protect him from every single thing, and he learned to do it himself. But then the disapproving eyes follow him as he climbs up. Parents get their children close, saying things like, “See how this boy climbs? He will fall, you shouldn’t try that.”
He gets wild when he starts running, and one can hardly blame a kid for that. We offer our kids less and less freedom and we blame safety for it, but truth is, kids need to run wild, and simply run, as often as they can, whenever they have the chance. When they run, they get carried away. They can push someone along the way. That’s when you get an accusing angry glance your way. That’s when other kids are taken out of his path. That’s when you hear things like, “Some people should really discipline their kids more.”
And the worst part: some kids go through an aggression phase. It usually happens around 2-4 years, and it is a normal development phase. And when it does, you can be sure any responsible parent has gone from crying, to ripping bunches of their hair off, to staying awake at night thinking how their child will be a serial killer by age 20, to reading everything and anything online regarding aggression in young children, to counseling, to to to… But truth is, we get zero tolerance from other parents, parents who are not going through this. Our struggle remains a source of contempt, no matter what we do. And what they think is, oh, MY child is NOT going through this because I am raising them RIGHT. Well, WRONG. A child is born with a character, and try as you may, they will go their own way. Some children exhibit such traits, while others never will. It’s just the way it is.
I get it, you feel horrible when your child is hit or pushed by another on the playground. Believe me, no one feels more guilty than me. Every single time it happens, I want the earth to open up and swallow me whole. The horrified looks in other people’s eyes, as if I’d just handed my child a gun, is something that hurts every time, no matter how many times I’ve seen it. I apologize, and I talk to my child about it. Every time, it is the same. And then, people would comment out loud, “Well, if my child did that, she will be punished.” And you try raising your child with empathy and non-violence, but some days it’s just so hard.
And then you leave the playground and you hear behind your back, “Some people shouldn’t bring their kids to where NORMAL kids play.” And your heart breaks, and you just want to collapse in a little heap and cry. Or eat that parent’s heart out.
Most times, you yell at your kid. Because you’re so god damn exhausted, and feel like such a failure, and then you cry some more because you yelled. And you are dreading the times when you have to leave the house and go somewhere, anywhere, where there are other people. Dread the time you have to go on the smallest errand, like buying groceries or picking up a book from the library, because your child will inevitably seize any opportunity to run, away, from you, repeatedly, just because he needs to unleash that energy. And then it happens on the parking lot. Or in the shop where they sell precious antique china.
And you know what? Ironically, that’s what children who exhibit aggression need: more interaction with other children, more time outdoors, more of everyday situations, more running and climbing and generally getting all that pent-up energy out of their little bodies, so they can be the sweet little things you know and adore once more. But it is constantly made really hard for their parents to even attempt occupying that space which is taken for granted for most other people whose children are “quiet” and “calm” and do not “mess around”. Ironically, other parents are our most vicious judges. And until we realize we’re all in the same boat, facing our particular set of demons on a daily basis, and try to support each other, what kind of place are we building for our kids to grow up in? That’s right, the same place we grew up in: a place where non-conformity is punished by exclusion. Well, screw this.
When it’s me, and it’s about my pink hair, or my tattoos, or my loud feminist views, I get it. I grit my teeth. I move on.
But when it’s about my kid, that’s where I draw the line.
See, it’s not easy occupying public space, when you have a toddler most articles describe as “strong-willed”. To put it in perspective, if we were in America, he would’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed medications accordingly before you can say cheesy dibbles. In Europe, they’re not as fast as that with diagnosing. But are they fast with letting you know exactly how they feel about the both of you. Out of sight, please.
Getting out of the house with a toddler can be challenging. Getting around with them even more so. It goes without saying that most parents are doing what they can, while running on low energy, constant exhaustion and stress to equal amounts unheard of before parenthood hit. Having people constantly criticize you and your kid – that’s where it gets ugly.
We go to the playground, just as any other family with kids, on a Saturday morning. My kid is the one who climbs to the top of everything in a blink, and I let him, because I know just how competent he is, because I made a point long ago of not trying to protect him from every single thing, and he learned to do it himself. But then the disapproving eyes follow him as he climbs up. Parents get their children close, saying things like, “See how this boy climbs? He will fall, you shouldn’t try that.”
He gets wild when he starts running, and one can hardly blame a kid for that. We offer our kids less and less freedom and we blame safety for it, but truth is, kids need to run wild, and simply run, as often as they can, whenever they have the chance. When they run, they get carried away. They can push someone along the way. That’s when you get an accusing angry glance your way. That’s when other kids are taken out of his path. That’s when you hear things like, “Some people should really discipline their kids more.”
And the worst part: some kids go through an aggression phase. It usually happens around 2-4 years, and it is a normal development phase. And when it does, you can be sure any responsible parent has gone from crying, to ripping bunches of their hair off, to staying awake at night thinking how their child will be a serial killer by age 20, to reading everything and anything online regarding aggression in young children, to counseling, to to to… But truth is, we get zero tolerance from other parents, parents who are not going through this. Our struggle remains a source of contempt, no matter what we do. And what they think is, oh, MY child is NOT going through this because I am raising them RIGHT. Well, WRONG. A child is born with a character, and try as you may, they will go their own way. Some children exhibit such traits, while others never will. It’s just the way it is.
I get it, you feel horrible when your child is hit or pushed by another on the playground. Believe me, no one feels more guilty than me. Every single time it happens, I want the earth to open up and swallow me whole. The horrified looks in other people’s eyes, as if I’d just handed my child a gun, is something that hurts every time, no matter how many times I’ve seen it. I apologize, and I talk to my child about it. Every time, it is the same. And then, people would comment out loud, “Well, if my child did that, she will be punished.” And you try raising your child with empathy and non-violence, but some days it’s just so hard.
And then you leave the playground and you hear behind your back, “Some people shouldn’t bring their kids to where NORMAL kids play.” And your heart breaks, and you just want to collapse in a little heap and cry. Or eat that parent’s heart out.
Most times, you yell at your kid. Because you’re so god damn exhausted, and feel like such a failure, and then you cry some more because you yelled. And you are dreading the times when you have to leave the house and go somewhere, anywhere, where there are other people. Dread the time you have to go on the smallest errand, like buying groceries or picking up a book from the library, because your child will inevitably seize any opportunity to run, away, from you, repeatedly, just because he needs to unleash that energy. And then it happens on the parking lot. Or in the shop where they sell precious antique china.
And you know what? Ironically, that’s what children who exhibit aggression need: more interaction with other children, more time outdoors, more of everyday situations, more running and climbing and generally getting all that pent-up energy out of their little bodies, so they can be the sweet little things you know and adore once more. But it is constantly made really hard for their parents to even attempt occupying that space which is taken for granted for most other people whose children are “quiet” and “calm” and do not “mess around”. Ironically, other parents are our most vicious judges. And until we realize we’re all in the same boat, facing our particular set of demons on a daily basis, and try to support each other, what kind of place are we building for our kids to grow up in? That’s right, the same place we grew up in: a place where non-conformity is punished by exclusion. Well, screw this.